


Smaug Fucks Up Everything II: The Sequel

by orphan_account



Series: Smaug Fucks Up Everything [2]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: M/M, You all wanted a sequel so here you go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 14:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sequel to Smaug Fucks Up Everything.</p><p>I don't know how to make a summary without spoiling everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smaug Fucks Up Everything II: The Sequel

Thorin clutched the Arkenstone to his chest. He'd fought so hard for it, so hard for Erebor, and now it was his.  
"Thorin," Dwalin said, tapping him every once in the while on the shoulder, "don't we need to save Master Baggins?"  
"I never said we could guarantee his fate."  
"So we're just going to leave him with a dragon to do who knows what in who knows where?"  
"Yes," Thorin said. "Going and saving him would be a waste of time and resources. If we do go off to find him then we must do it when we at least know where he is."  
Dwalin sighed. "Is this because you don't want to admit your feelings to him?"  
Thorin squeezed the Arkenstone. "Of course not!" But the way he defended himself and the high pitch of his voice showed otherwise. He flushed red in embarrassment.  
Dwalin tapped his foot against the floor.  
"Okay, okay," Thorin said, then wrapped an arm around Dwalin's shoulder. "I'm just scared of putting my feelings into words, okay?"  
Dwalin sighed. "Well words never have been your strong point."  
"Besides, until we find news of where Bilbo is, it would be far more likely to be a fatal rather than sucessful quest."  
"At least promise me that if we do find news of his whereabouts you will help rescue him."  
"Sure, sure, I'll do it. Don't whine so much, Mom."

 

Bofur, however, was in the opposite mood. He was busy choosing only Erebor's finest weapons and packing them for his trip.  
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Bombur asked.  
Bifur barked something along the same lines in Khuzdul.  
"Yes," Bofur defended. "Bilbo seems to be quite infatuated with Thorin, and normally I cannot compete with a prince."  
"So we're going to overthrow the system and start a new chain of government revolutions all across Middle-Earth?" Bombur asked.  
"No, we'll do that later." Bofur looked over a sword, then deemed it worthy for the trip. "If saving Bilbo is the only way that I can make him love me, which I'm scared it will be, then I must take advantage of this opportunity. What could make him love me more than swooping in and saving him from the evil dragon Smaug?"  
Bifur muttered in Khuzdul.  
"No, Bifur, it is not as easy as asking him to have dinner with me! I am competing with Thorin Oakenshield of all dwarves for Mahal's sake!"  
"Brother, you know how a couple years ago I told you that it'd be good for you to find love? I promptly recall all my words and am putting them in storage, where they will never leave."  
"Bombur," Bofur said, then turned to Bifur, "and you, Bifur, if you wish to not help me, then fine. When I return home with Bilbo in my arms wearing white then I will have Ori and Kili be my best men."  
"Fine," Bombur said. "We will go on this foolish quest."  
"Yes!" Bofur said, then danced around the room. He came in and pulled them both in for a hug. "Oh thank you so much! You two are the best family a dwarf could have!"  
"We're also your only family," Bombur muttered.  
Just as they were about to leave, Bombur spoke up. "So what will you do if Thorin swoops in at the last moment and steals Bilbo from you?"  
"I think he's a little too busy courting the Arkenstone," Bofur replied.  
And then they set out on their quest to rid Middle-Earth of another dragon, and for Bofur to try to win Bilbo's heart.

 

Bilbo sipped his tea, a book in his lap. Smaug was kind enough to use his powers to make it look like Bag End rather than an empty old cave. He hadn't been at this much peace in a long, long time.  
Smaug was currently asleep on one of his many piles of gold. Even his magic couldn't hide that glittery stuff.  
Bilbo yawned, deciding that after he finished his tea and a chapter of his book he'd go to sleep as well.  
The next morning, Smaug made breakfast biscuits, which were nothing short of perfect.  
"My compliments to the chef," Bilbo said, grabbing thirds.  
Smaug grinned, then kissed the top of his head, messing up his hair. They hadn't meant for their relationship to evolve, but it had been such a natural progression also.  
It was a normal day in the lives of the two. Bilbo would read and eat breakfast at eight while Smaug went and got game for himself. At ten they would fly around the countryside. Near twelve-thirty Smaug would conjure up lunch, and what Smaug made was always a surprise. At two, if either still had the energy, they'd play a board game. Smaug was actually quite good at chess. Six would bring dinner, and by nine-thirty both would be asleep.  
Bob hadn't ever imagined actually getting into a relationship, especially not one with Smaug, but he was quite happy with it.

 

Bofur became a professional Orc slayer. From how he fought them, he thought it was likely they'd be extinct in no time. Any other monster that tried to block his path to getting in Bilbo's bed, er, getting Bilbo's heart, were all destroyed. He wasn't about to take their shit. Even his own family was shocked at his ruthlessness.  
The other thing that surprised them was him studying dragons. He lugged around book after book about them, doing his best to fully get to know just what he was saving the fair Bilbo from.  
When they finally arrived at Smaug's lair, they were surprised to see it looked a whole hell of a lot like Bag End, except located in a cave. And when they saw Bilbo wasn't chained to a floor, they were quite shocked. They actually didn't see him at all.  
"Where is he?" Bofur demanded, walking through the cave house. "I didn't come all the way here just to turn back around."  
That was when he heard a low moaning. He took out his sword and held it in front of him. "I'm moving," he said, then walked towards where the sound was coming from.  
What he saw shocked him. There was Bilbo, his Bilbo, making out with Smaug. Oh what trickery could Smaug have pulled to make Bilbo do that?  
"What is going on?" he asked, then grabbed his shield as well.  
"Bofur!" Bilbo cried, clearly free of Smaug's evil spell. "What are you doing here?"  
"Saving you!" Bofur cried, then screamed a battle cry.  
Just as he was about to attack Smaug, Bilbo stopped him. "Saving me from what?"   
Bofur looked with deep pity at his one of desire. Smaug had made him think he was actually in love with the monster! He knew things would only go downhill from there, so he decided it was best to save Bilbo as fast as possible.  
However, just as Bofur was about to fight again, a voice rang out through the halls of the home cave. Bofur turned to face Thorin.  
"You steal my consort and think you can get away with it?" screamed Thorin. "Prepare to die, you damned beast!"  
Bofur sighed. If only he'd believed Bombur when he said he'd swoop in at the last minute.  
No, he told himself. I must believe in myself. There is still a chance that I can win Bilbo's heart.  
The dragon scowled. "How dare you smelly lot come into my new home and think you can just steal my hobbit!"  
"Your hobbit?" yelled Thorin. "The halfling is mine!"  
"No," yelled Bofur, suddenly courageous, "he's mine!"  
"What the hell are you two talking about?" Bilbo asked, his hands on his hips. "You two are quite nice men, but Smaug and I are already in a relationship, which I came into of my own free will and proper consent."  
"But he killed thousands just for gold!" cried Thorin.  
"Oh," Bilbo said. "I forgot about that."  
"Bilbo," Smaug said, "I can explain!"  
"No," Bilbo said firmly, "you can't." He turned to face his two suitors. "Destroy him."  
And thus raged an epic battle, where nearly everyone died, but in the end Smaug was the only one six feet under.  
"You can't just have my consort!" screamed Thorin at Bofur, who was currently looking lovestruck at the hobbit.  
His dreams had finally come true! He was absolutely giddy. Finally, Bofur was worthy enough for his precious Bilbo!  
"Thorin," Bbo said with annoyance, "I told you that you would owe me for this, and by letting me be with Bofur we are now equal."  
"But you're my consort!"  
"Since when?"  
"It was prearranged!"  
"I don't believe in such old fashion things."  
And one month later, everyone except a heartbroken Thorin was attending Bilbo's wedding in the Shire. It was quite lively, and everyone who came had a great time. Bofur and Bilbo adopted Frodo afterwards.  
Everyone was happy, except Smaug, who didn't like having a halo, and Thorin, who despite courting the Arkenstone multiple times, his feelings were not returned.  
The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I chose Bofur to get Bilbo cause there are way too sad ending fics with these two. Now they can be happy!


End file.
